Loving Yes More Than Hating No

Few words can wound our fragile egos more than “no.” When those two letters are strung together, it can instantly extinguish the visions that we had dreamt for our future. It can hurt so much, in fact, that people structure their entire lives to minimize the times they ever have to hear or see this dreaded word. As much as it hurts to admit, I held a “nothing risked, nothing lost” mindset often in the past and avoided situations wherever there was a chance of significant failure. Although I would have never admitted it then, my diffidence was the product of a potent fear – the fear we feel when we imagine what others will think of our failures. What I had not grasped was that the safety I often felt by not trying something new had a high price felt further into the future. My punishment for not pursuing something back then is sometimes wondering today what could have been had I found the courage to go after what I had sought. Being haunted by hypotheticals, I can attest, is not much better than feeling regret over the mistakes we make in our lifetimes.

In psychology, the phenomenon of overestimating how much others notice aspects of our appearance or behavior has a name: the spotlight effect. This source of social anxiety is understandable, as John Barth once quipped that everyone is the hero of his or her own life story. That said, if everyone is preoccupied as the main character in their own narrative, it follows then that they do not have very much time to fixate on the failures of other people. Most people in our lives, with the exception of the extraordinarily petty, are simply not going to care that much about your failures. As hurtful as this reality may sound, it is actually quite liberating. In life, experimentation and growth necessitates an acquired comfort or indifference to the word “no.”

People will not remember how many times you heard no – in fact, it’s almost impossible for them to know that number in the first place. What they will recognize and respect over time is the number of times people said “yes.” This secret of sorts is something that the best salespeople understand intuitively as a virtue of their much-maligned profession. If strangers read through my LinkedIn inbox, they would see hundreds of short, unanswered messages I wrote to people as I networked and built a freelance writing practice. Not only are those messages increasingly insignificant to those recipients with each passing day – they’re little inquiries that hold no sway over my mood on a day-to-day basis. Why? Because some people eventually said “yes.” Like everyone else, I am busy fulfilling the obligations that come whenever we answer “yes” to the many opportunities we receive throughout life.

Another matter to keep in mind is that “no” has different meanings depending on the context. In human relationships, a “no” from a potential love interest can prove pretty sticky and rather tough to reverse. In business, “no” can very much mean “not yet.” Chris Voss, an accomplished FBI hostage negotiator and author of Never Split the Difference, argues that “no” is an essential first step to arriving at “yes.” Instead of feeling deterred by an initial rejection, successful negotiators retrain how they respond to “no.” In actuality, the word can serve as shorthand for thoughts like “I do not understand,” or “I need more information.” Perceiving “no” in such a way blunts the immediate, visceral pain the word can evoke; it is very often the opening to productive discourse. In this way, we learn far more when we hear “no” than when we hear “yes.” Abraham Lincoln, the 16th President of the United States, famously appointed his rivals to his Cabinet after winning the 1860 Presidential Election. His selections, explained at greater length in Doris Goodwin’s Team of Rivals, were rooted in his desire to ensure that the country benefited from his rivals’ perspectives – even as they clashed with his own. This decision helped President Lincoln effectively lead a nation torn asunder by war.

To close, it is important to remember the power of an abundance mindset. Although this statement at first glance sounds like a new-age, touchy-feely platitude, it is actually the key to softening much of the emotional blow that “no” can reliably deliver to the heart. Successful people in any area of life, from business to romance, are often in positions to make choices and routinely receive validation from many sources. One problem with our imaginations is that it is far too easy for us to tether our conception of success to the approval of a single entity. These entities, I may add, often only have as much power over us as we grant them through our preconceived notions. In reality, there are many potential sources of almost anything we seek in life; we simply need to find the strength to walk away from one and approach others on a more consistent basis. A little flexibility regarding where we find fulfillment and positive feedback can go a very long way in the game of life. I cannot say for certain what makes someone great, but I do know that may people find success when their love of yes surpasses their hatred of no.